1 00:00:33,201 --> 00:00:35,368 Honey, I'm home. 2 00:01:08,370 --> 00:01:10,270 Welcome back to DTV. 3 00:01:10,372 --> 00:01:13,506 You're in a middle of a weekend of macho idiot rock. 4 00:01:13,608 --> 00:01:15,708 That's right. All weekend long, 5 00:01:15,811 --> 00:01:17,710 superficial adolescent male posturing 6 00:01:17,813 --> 00:01:19,746 and shallow, meaningless songs. 7 00:01:19,848 --> 00:01:20,980 Cool. 8 00:01:21,082 --> 00:01:23,850 This special weekend's brought to you by BEER. 9 00:01:23,952 --> 00:01:27,253 Next up, a smashing new band, Lyzzard Skyzzard. 10 00:01:27,355 --> 00:01:28,754 This is their latest video, 11 00:01:28,856 --> 00:01:33,226 which won them the DTV Music Award for Fastest Editing. 12 00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:46,940 ♪ Ow! I'm better than you ♪ 13 00:01:47,042 --> 00:01:48,875 ♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ♪ 14 00:01:48,977 --> 00:01:52,546 ♪ I'm better than you ♪ 15 00:01:53,615 --> 00:01:55,748 ♪ You may have thought you ♪ 16 00:01:55,850 --> 00:01:57,683 ♪ Were better than me ♪ 17 00:01:57,786 --> 00:02:00,754 ♪ But I'm better than you ♪ 18 00:02:00,855 --> 00:02:03,489 ♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ♪ 19 00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:04,691 ♪ Yeah ♪ 20 00:02:04,793 --> 00:02:05,892 ♪ Yeah ♪ 21 00:02:05,994 --> 00:02:07,093 ♪ Yeah ♪ 22 00:02:07,195 --> 00:02:08,094 ♪ Yeah ♪ 23 00:02:08,196 --> 00:02:09,229 ♪ Yeah ♪ 24 00:02:09,331 --> 00:02:12,665 ♪ Yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪ 25 00:02:17,405 --> 00:02:19,873 Robbie, isn't that too loud? 26 00:02:19,975 --> 00:02:22,876 Thanks, Mom. With cheese! 27 00:02:22,978 --> 00:02:25,445 It's too loud! 28 00:02:25,547 --> 00:02:27,780 And I don't like the values they portray. 29 00:02:27,882 --> 00:02:29,382 Mom, you're overreacting. 30 00:02:29,484 --> 00:02:31,851 Beer! Cigarettes! Chicks! 31 00:02:31,953 --> 00:02:33,420 He could've heard that anywhere. 32 00:02:33,522 --> 00:02:34,999 Where is he? Where is he? 33 00:02:35,023 --> 00:02:37,424 Ahh, there's the birthday boy! 34 00:02:37,526 --> 00:02:39,859 - Tomorrow's the big day! - Yeah! 35 00:02:39,961 --> 00:02:41,872 Presents! Presents! 36 00:02:41,896 --> 00:02:44,030 Hey, you betcha, presents, hats, streamers, 37 00:02:44,132 --> 00:02:45,765 the works for your first birthday. 38 00:02:45,867 --> 00:02:46,900 Even a pony! 39 00:02:47,002 --> 00:02:48,802 - Pony? - That's right. 40 00:02:48,904 --> 00:02:51,738 A big, juicy one, grilled to perfection. 41 00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:53,039 Earl, you'll spoil him. 42 00:02:53,141 --> 00:02:55,074 I want him to like me. Is that so wrong? 43 00:02:55,177 --> 00:02:57,243 Honey, you have to earn his love. 44 00:02:57,346 --> 00:02:59,011 That could take years. 45 00:02:59,113 --> 00:03:00,613 I'm his daddy. 46 00:03:00,715 --> 00:03:02,214 I want his love now, 47 00:03:02,317 --> 00:03:03,883 genuine and unconditional, 48 00:03:03,985 --> 00:03:05,651 and I'm willing to pay for it. 49 00:03:05,753 --> 00:03:07,888 Look what Daddy got for you. 50 00:03:07,990 --> 00:03:10,389 - Present! - Do you like me? 51 00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:13,026 - Gimme! - I'm overwhelmed. 52 00:03:13,128 --> 00:03:16,129 We're bonding all over the place. 53 00:03:16,231 --> 00:03:18,899 Duh. 54 00:03:21,670 --> 00:03:24,337 Earl, isn't he a little young for sports? 55 00:03:24,439 --> 00:03:27,407 Never too young to learn the fundamentals. 56 00:03:27,509 --> 00:03:30,843 Now, this bat may be a little too heavy for you. Ow! 57 00:03:30,945 --> 00:03:32,578 Not the mama! 58 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:34,413 I should've seen that coming. 59 00:03:34,515 --> 00:03:36,716 Ohh! 60 00:03:36,818 --> 00:03:40,686 Fortunately, that didn't hurt a bit. 61 00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:47,238 He's been out for a long time. 62 00:03:47,262 --> 00:03:48,962 - Is he dead? - No, sweetheart. 63 00:03:49,064 --> 00:03:51,497 If he were dead there'd be scavengers at the door. 64 00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:54,500 It's my family, looking at me with love and concern. 65 00:03:54,602 --> 00:03:56,713 He opened his eyes. I guess he's alive. 66 00:03:56,737 --> 00:04:00,073 Not necessarily. It could just be an involuntary muscle response. 67 00:04:00,175 --> 00:04:03,376 My adoring children. How I treasure them. 68 00:04:03,478 --> 00:04:04,610 Again! 69 00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:08,348 Is your father still unconscious? 70 00:04:08,450 --> 00:04:11,117 Yeah, I put a pan under his chin to catch the drool. 71 00:04:11,219 --> 00:04:12,585 That's very considerate. 72 00:04:12,687 --> 00:04:14,787 What are we doing with all this stuff, Ma? 73 00:04:14,889 --> 00:04:17,556 Your little brother's outgrown a lot of his baby clothes. 74 00:04:17,658 --> 00:04:19,892 So I thought I'd pack them up and give them away. 75 00:04:19,995 --> 00:04:22,061 - ♪ La la la ♪ - Even this? 76 00:04:22,163 --> 00:04:26,733 Aw. That's the nest I made for him when he was just an egg. 77 00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:28,735 Where is he? 78 00:04:28,837 --> 00:04:32,571 ♪ Take me out to the ballgame ♪ 79 00:04:32,674 --> 00:04:36,243 He's taunting me, Fran! Keep that kid away from me. 80 00:04:37,812 --> 00:04:40,479 Mom, take a look at this nest. I don't think it's ours. 81 00:04:40,582 --> 00:04:42,360 Of course it's ours. 82 00:04:42,384 --> 00:04:44,061 She's right. There's a label on it. 83 00:04:44,085 --> 00:04:45,719 - What? - Yeah. 84 00:04:45,821 --> 00:04:47,453 Let's see. 85 00:04:47,555 --> 00:04:50,156 "This is the property of Gus and Glenda Molehill. 86 00:04:50,258 --> 00:04:52,458 If found, please squeeze into any mailbox. 87 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,338 Return postage guaranteed." 88 00:04:54,362 --> 00:04:55,962 You got somebody else's nest. 89 00:04:56,064 --> 00:04:57,530 That's not possible. 90 00:04:57,633 --> 00:04:59,744 Your baby brother's egg was always in that nest 91 00:04:59,768 --> 00:05:01,345 and the nest never left the house 92 00:05:01,369 --> 00:05:03,303 except when I went to Lamaze class. 93 00:05:03,405 --> 00:05:06,373 Well, was there a Mrs. Molehill in your Lamaze class? 94 00:05:08,743 --> 00:05:10,209 Yes, there was, 95 00:05:10,311 --> 00:05:12,879 but I don't see how we could've switched nests... 96 00:05:12,981 --> 00:05:15,982 Unless it was the day of the earthquake. 97 00:05:16,084 --> 00:05:19,618 Now, when the egg is ready, it will start to crack. 98 00:05:19,721 --> 00:05:21,666 Even though there's not much for you to do, 99 00:05:21,690 --> 00:05:24,190 Lamaze class can still be reassuring for you 100 00:05:24,292 --> 00:05:26,159 and a big money maker for me. 101 00:05:26,260 --> 00:05:28,127 I spent 200 bucks for this? 102 00:05:28,229 --> 00:05:29,996 And my butt is falling asleep. 103 00:05:30,098 --> 00:05:33,166 Most importantly, there's no refund. 104 00:05:33,267 --> 00:05:35,467 If you don't like it, leave. 105 00:05:35,570 --> 00:05:37,715 Earthquake! Still no refund. 106 00:05:37,739 --> 00:05:40,173 What do you mean there's no refund? 107 00:05:40,274 --> 00:05:42,608 Earthquake! 108 00:05:42,710 --> 00:05:44,422 - My egg! - Get the egg! 109 00:05:44,446 --> 00:05:46,123 Earthquake! Earthquake! 110 00:05:46,147 --> 00:05:48,514 That's mine. 111 00:05:48,616 --> 00:05:50,127 I think we have the wrong eggs. 112 00:05:50,151 --> 00:05:52,084 I think you're right. They look so much alike. 113 00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:54,754 They do. 114 00:05:54,856 --> 00:05:57,222 I guess that's when it happened. 115 00:05:57,325 --> 00:05:58,803 That's awfully fascinating. 116 00:05:58,827 --> 00:06:00,738 Could you see if there's a dent in my head? 117 00:06:00,762 --> 00:06:03,763 If the nests got switched, the eggs might have too. 118 00:06:03,865 --> 00:06:07,467 Would somebody look for dents, please? 119 00:06:07,569 --> 00:06:10,370 Then that other lady could've gotten Mom's egg 120 00:06:10,471 --> 00:06:12,305 and Mom could've gotten her egg. 121 00:06:12,407 --> 00:06:15,040 - Yeah. - Oh! Geez! Here's a dent. 122 00:06:15,143 --> 00:06:17,121 I'm pretty sure there's brain damage. 123 00:06:17,145 --> 00:06:19,879 Wait a minute, everybody, 'cause I think this is big. 124 00:06:19,981 --> 00:06:22,448 Now, if you switched eggs, 125 00:06:22,550 --> 00:06:25,284 that means we could have the wrong baby! 126 00:06:25,387 --> 00:06:27,654 - Wow! - Hmm. 127 00:06:29,758 --> 00:06:32,491 The wrong baby? 128 00:06:32,593 --> 00:06:36,295 No! I refuse to even consider it. 129 00:06:36,397 --> 00:06:38,597 And yet... hmm. 130 00:06:38,699 --> 00:06:40,667 Earl, you're not seriously thinking... 131 00:06:40,769 --> 00:06:41,913 What? Me? 132 00:06:41,937 --> 00:06:44,404 No. I would never even suggest 133 00:06:44,506 --> 00:06:47,140 that our adorable little cuddle bunny 134 00:06:47,242 --> 00:06:50,075 might possibly belong to another lucky family. 135 00:06:51,546 --> 00:06:53,090 The mind reels at the thought 136 00:06:53,114 --> 00:06:55,225 that some other family might take away 137 00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:57,483 our dimpled bundle of delight 138 00:06:57,586 --> 00:06:59,118 legally and forever. 139 00:06:59,220 --> 00:07:03,489 And who knows what we'd be left with in exchange? 140 00:07:03,591 --> 00:07:06,058 The chances are that we'd never get another child 141 00:07:06,161 --> 00:07:09,262 quite as precious as this one. 142 00:07:09,997 --> 00:07:11,230 Ha! 143 00:07:13,835 --> 00:07:16,802 Earl, he's our baby. A mother knows. 144 00:07:16,904 --> 00:07:19,038 I don't know. The nest is pretty suspicious. 145 00:07:19,140 --> 00:07:21,674 - He doesn't look like us. - Yeah. He's pink. 146 00:07:21,776 --> 00:07:24,555 - None of us is pink. Isn't that weird? - Very. 147 00:07:24,579 --> 00:07:26,657 Hey, we owe it to the child 148 00:07:26,681 --> 00:07:29,883 to explore even the most terrible of possibilities. 149 00:07:29,985 --> 00:07:31,650 As awful as it must seem, 150 00:07:31,753 --> 00:07:34,954 and believe me, I take no joy in this, 151 00:07:35,056 --> 00:07:37,223 we must call the Molehills. 152 00:07:37,325 --> 00:07:39,425 Well, I don't know about that, Earl. 153 00:07:39,528 --> 00:07:41,060 What if there's a problem? 154 00:07:41,162 --> 00:07:43,107 That would be terrible. 155 00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:49,635 Come on, come on. 156 00:07:49,737 --> 00:07:52,472 Earl, you're not looking forward to this, are you? 157 00:07:52,574 --> 00:07:55,041 No, dear. It's merely a brave facade. 158 00:07:55,143 --> 00:07:57,643 On the inside I'm full of despair. 159 00:07:57,746 --> 00:07:59,879 Whoa! Coming! 160 00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:03,783 Hey, how you doing? 161 00:08:03,885 --> 00:08:06,018 Gus Molehill, gotta love me! 162 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:07,987 Gotta love me! 163 00:08:08,089 --> 00:08:11,657 Hey, nice digs. What do you do for food here? 164 00:08:11,759 --> 00:08:13,170 Earl, I'm still not convinced. 165 00:08:13,194 --> 00:08:15,728 Hey, this is my wife Glenda. 166 00:08:15,830 --> 00:08:18,964 And this is my boy Aubrey. 167 00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:22,434 So you must be the mama. 168 00:08:22,536 --> 00:08:23,714 Yes. 169 00:08:23,738 --> 00:08:26,572 I guess that makes you not the mama! 170 00:08:26,674 --> 00:08:29,208 Not the mama! 171 00:08:29,310 --> 00:08:31,544 Fran, he's a cute green kid. 172 00:08:31,646 --> 00:08:34,847 Hey, my boy looks just like you, Earl. 173 00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:39,885 Piggyback horsy! Piggyback! 174 00:08:39,987 --> 00:08:42,388 I love this kid! He cracks me up! 175 00:08:42,490 --> 00:08:44,957 Am I crazy or what? 176 00:08:46,961 --> 00:08:49,161 Again! 177 00:08:49,263 --> 00:08:50,908 Hi, there, little fella. 178 00:08:50,932 --> 00:08:53,432 Juice? Is something wrong? 179 00:08:53,534 --> 00:08:55,467 You're not gonna hit me? 180 00:08:55,569 --> 00:08:58,237 Dear me, no. I just thought you might enjoy a beverage. 181 00:08:58,339 --> 00:09:00,339 It's quite refreshing. 182 00:09:04,612 --> 00:09:07,680 And with the safety nipple, you eliminate nasty spills. 183 00:09:07,782 --> 00:09:10,449 - Hey, this tastes great! - Mmm. 184 00:09:10,551 --> 00:09:12,271 You're a mighty nice little fella. 185 00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:14,219 Oh, please, it's the least I can do. 186 00:09:14,322 --> 00:09:16,489 After all, you've been such a gracious host. 187 00:09:16,591 --> 00:09:18,291 Oh! 188 00:09:18,993 --> 00:09:20,233 Thank you. 189 00:09:20,328 --> 00:09:22,762 You know, this is my nest. 190 00:09:22,864 --> 00:09:25,965 Isn't it funny how these silly little mix-ups happen? 191 00:09:26,067 --> 00:09:27,633 This is horrible. 192 00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:29,201 It can't be happening. 193 00:09:29,304 --> 00:09:32,071 This rattle is fun and soothing. 194 00:09:32,173 --> 00:09:33,840 It's my gift to you. 195 00:09:33,942 --> 00:09:37,509 It's pretty obvious what happened here, huh, Earl? 196 00:09:37,612 --> 00:09:39,712 I got your kid. You got mine. 197 00:09:39,814 --> 00:09:42,849 Guess we got our eggs scrambled! 198 00:09:42,951 --> 00:09:47,119 "Eggs scrambled." Hey, that's great. 199 00:09:47,221 --> 00:09:49,788 Hey, thanks for taking care of the kid. 200 00:09:49,890 --> 00:09:52,858 You know where to send his clothes, don't ya? 201 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,240 Yeah, sure. 202 00:09:54,295 --> 00:09:56,596 He's had all his inoculations, hasn't he? 203 00:09:56,698 --> 00:09:59,499 I... Stop right there! 204 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,400 - Put my baby down! - Uh... 205 00:10:01,502 --> 00:10:04,237 Sweetheart, haven't you been listening? 206 00:10:04,339 --> 00:10:06,039 He's not our baby. 207 00:10:06,141 --> 00:10:08,374 If you let our baby go out that door, 208 00:10:08,476 --> 00:10:10,109 I'll bite your face off! 209 00:10:10,211 --> 00:10:12,712 Well, you can't argue with that logic. 210 00:10:12,814 --> 00:10:14,992 You could, but it would be hard without lips. 211 00:10:15,016 --> 00:10:16,516 How can you let this happen? 212 00:10:16,618 --> 00:10:19,964 Aw, honey, I know it's upsetting to lose your child, 213 00:10:19,988 --> 00:10:22,821 but, well, have you seen the one we're getting? 214 00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:25,358 - You... - We're not exactly trading down. 215 00:10:25,460 --> 00:10:28,127 Nobody is switching babies 216 00:10:28,229 --> 00:10:32,665 until I see some absolute proof! 217 00:10:34,669 --> 00:10:38,737 I will run a series of scientific tests on the babies 218 00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:41,274 and compare our results in the lab 219 00:10:41,376 --> 00:10:45,611 with these blood samples taken from each father. 220 00:10:45,713 --> 00:10:47,980 Boy, did that hurt. Huh, Earl? 221 00:10:48,082 --> 00:10:49,715 That didn't hurt a bit. 222 00:10:49,817 --> 00:10:52,684 I just want this settled, once and for all, doctor, - 223 00:10:52,787 --> 00:10:54,507 so I can take my baby and go home. 224 00:10:54,588 --> 00:10:56,956 Hey, my baby, your baby, 225 00:10:57,058 --> 00:10:58,991 let's let the expert decide that, 226 00:10:59,094 --> 00:11:00,326 huh, sweetheart? 227 00:11:00,428 --> 00:11:02,128 Now, listen here, you... 228 00:11:02,230 --> 00:11:04,263 No, no, no, these battery of tests 229 00:11:04,365 --> 00:11:06,265 will determine correct parentage 230 00:11:06,367 --> 00:11:08,446 beyond any reasonable doubt. 231 00:11:08,470 --> 00:11:11,604 They represent the absolute vanguard 232 00:11:11,706 --> 00:11:13,339 of primitive science. 233 00:11:13,441 --> 00:11:14,640 You're a quack! 234 00:11:14,742 --> 00:11:16,742 Shh. He's a distinguished man of science. 235 00:11:16,845 --> 00:11:18,155 - Shh! - Shh! 236 00:11:18,179 --> 00:11:19,256 Quiet! 237 00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:20,680 Oh! Sorry. 238 00:11:20,782 --> 00:11:24,416 Professor, you have a lot of electricity working here. 239 00:11:24,519 --> 00:11:27,453 I just thought I should tell you about a health condition... 240 00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:35,862 More juice! 241 00:11:44,305 --> 00:11:45,638 Again! 242 00:11:45,740 --> 00:11:48,140 Again! Again! Again! 243 00:11:57,051 --> 00:11:58,117 Round and round. 244 00:11:58,219 --> 00:11:59,686 Let's go! 245 00:12:01,723 --> 00:12:06,625 Yahoo! Faster! 246 00:12:09,063 --> 00:12:11,630 I have your test results right here. 247 00:12:11,732 --> 00:12:13,966 I know you're anxious to hear them. 248 00:12:14,068 --> 00:12:17,003 I'm just awaiting one crucial piece of information 249 00:12:17,105 --> 00:12:19,738 before I can release them to you. 250 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,384 - Yes? - La la. 251 00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:23,543 The credit card cleared. Thank you. 252 00:12:23,645 --> 00:12:25,377 - Yeah! - Oh, thank God. Good. 253 00:12:25,479 --> 00:12:27,179 OK. 254 00:12:27,281 --> 00:12:28,781 Here goes. 255 00:12:28,883 --> 00:12:31,684 The green baby belongs to the Sinclairs, 256 00:12:31,786 --> 00:12:34,486 and the pink baby belongs to the Molehills. 257 00:12:34,589 --> 00:12:36,088 Science has spoken. 258 00:12:36,190 --> 00:12:37,668 Now, take your babies, go home 259 00:12:37,692 --> 00:12:40,052 and live the rest of your lives. 260 00:12:43,932 --> 00:12:47,667 All right, son. I'll toss you the ball and you hit it. 261 00:12:47,769 --> 00:12:50,603 - As you wish, Father. - Batter up. 262 00:12:50,705 --> 00:12:53,473 - Oh! Heavens, missed that one. - Oh, bad throw! Sorry! 263 00:12:53,575 --> 00:12:55,486 Another of my nose bleeds. 264 00:12:55,510 --> 00:12:57,687 If you could just get me a tissue. 265 00:12:57,711 --> 00:12:59,846 Robbie, get your brother a tissue. 266 00:12:59,948 --> 00:13:02,214 Aw, geez, is he bleeding again? 267 00:13:02,316 --> 00:13:04,717 I have a weak nasal membrane. 268 00:13:04,819 --> 00:13:06,686 He's got a membrane. Get him a tissue! 269 00:13:06,788 --> 00:13:10,268 That's all I do is bring him tissues and Q-tips and cotton balls. 270 00:13:10,324 --> 00:13:12,002 Could I trouble you for tweezers? 271 00:13:12,026 --> 00:13:14,559 I've gotten a splinter from this rough-hewn bat. 272 00:13:14,661 --> 00:13:19,331 Shh! Don't talk. You'll pull a muscle. 273 00:13:19,433 --> 00:13:20,966 Uh... tell you what. 274 00:13:21,068 --> 00:13:23,468 Let's play something a little less physical. 275 00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:24,970 How about a game of peek-a-boo? 276 00:13:25,072 --> 00:13:26,672 - OK. - All right. 277 00:13:26,774 --> 00:13:28,775 Now cover your eyes. I'll cover mine. 278 00:13:29,710 --> 00:13:33,412 Now, where's Daddy? Where did he go? 279 00:13:33,514 --> 00:13:36,115 - Father, Father! Where have you gone? - Huh? 280 00:13:36,217 --> 00:13:38,316 Oh, oh! Don't abandon me! 281 00:13:38,419 --> 00:13:40,731 I'm having an asthma attack! 282 00:13:40,755 --> 00:13:42,788 It's all right. I'm here. Daddy's here! 283 00:13:42,890 --> 00:13:46,592 - Where's my inhaler? - Inhaler? Inhaler? 284 00:13:46,694 --> 00:13:48,961 Here it is. Here it is. 285 00:13:50,765 --> 00:13:52,665 Ahh! 286 00:13:52,767 --> 00:13:55,100 Oh, what a cruel, cruel game. 287 00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:56,668 I felt so alone. 288 00:13:56,770 --> 00:13:59,049 Promise me you'll never play that again, Father. 289 00:13:59,073 --> 00:14:02,108 I promise, I promise. Just don't bleed. 290 00:14:02,210 --> 00:14:04,410 Oh, dear. Oh, dear. 291 00:14:04,512 --> 00:14:06,279 Hi, I'm back from the market. 292 00:14:06,381 --> 00:14:08,381 I got nearly everything on Aubrey's list 293 00:14:08,483 --> 00:14:10,483 except the low-sodium goat cheese 294 00:14:10,585 --> 00:14:13,186 and sugar-free tofu teething cookies. 295 00:14:13,288 --> 00:14:16,522 Perhaps you could pop out after supper and check other stores. 296 00:14:16,624 --> 00:14:18,769 Did you manage to change the linens in my crib? 297 00:14:18,793 --> 00:14:21,227 They were left in quite a state by your previous child. 298 00:14:21,329 --> 00:14:24,163 My previous child? 299 00:14:26,267 --> 00:14:27,867 Come on, Frannie! 300 00:14:27,969 --> 00:14:30,802 Our real son is celebrating his first birthday. 301 00:14:30,905 --> 00:14:34,540 My baby is one year old, and I'm not there! 302 00:14:34,642 --> 00:14:39,378 I just want to crawl into the woods and die! 303 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:40,879 Cake time! 304 00:14:40,981 --> 00:14:42,881 Charlene, your mother wants some cake. 305 00:14:42,984 --> 00:14:45,651 Fran, hey, no wonder you're feeling down. 306 00:14:45,753 --> 00:14:47,531 You don't have a party hat. 307 00:14:47,555 --> 00:14:51,057 Oh, my baby has been taken from me! 308 00:14:51,159 --> 00:14:54,226 Oh, cake, cake! Cake, cake, cake, cake! 309 00:14:54,329 --> 00:14:57,429 - That's it. Come on. - Here you go, Mom. 310 00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:00,266 I want the knife! Give me the knife! 311 00:15:00,368 --> 00:15:01,667 No cake. No cake. 312 00:15:01,769 --> 00:15:03,580 What's the matter with Mom? 313 00:15:03,604 --> 00:15:05,605 She's overwhelmed with happiness. 314 00:15:12,046 --> 00:15:14,113 - Well, I got the tissues. - Give. 315 00:15:14,215 --> 00:15:18,384 - Huh? - No! Come on, sweetie, now cheer up. 316 00:15:18,486 --> 00:15:21,046 We're celebrating a new addition to our family. 317 00:15:21,121 --> 00:15:23,388 - Everyone else is happy. - I'm not. 318 00:15:23,490 --> 00:15:27,192 Me, either. The kid's a real zero. Oh, no offense. 319 00:15:27,294 --> 00:15:30,562 None taken. Fortunately, I'm very well-adjusted. 320 00:15:30,664 --> 00:15:32,776 You guys have got this all wrong. 321 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:34,367 This kid is the best! 322 00:15:34,468 --> 00:15:35,902 Hey, watch this. 323 00:15:36,004 --> 00:15:38,337 All right. Aubrey? 324 00:15:38,439 --> 00:15:39,439 Yes? 325 00:15:39,507 --> 00:15:41,473 - Here's a big bat. - Mm-hmm. 326 00:15:41,575 --> 00:15:44,510 - Here's a big fat head. - Mm-hmm. 327 00:15:44,612 --> 00:15:46,423 Now, what you gonna do about it? 328 00:15:46,447 --> 00:15:48,980 Um... Um... 329 00:15:49,083 --> 00:15:50,482 Um... 330 00:15:50,585 --> 00:15:51,684 I haven't the foggiest. 331 00:15:51,786 --> 00:15:54,386 Hey, is that the greatest? 332 00:15:54,488 --> 00:15:57,256 Well, I'm happy. 333 00:15:57,358 --> 00:16:00,259 I'll get it. 334 00:16:00,361 --> 00:16:02,361 I don't care what science says. 335 00:16:02,463 --> 00:16:03,996 I don't care what you say. 336 00:16:04,098 --> 00:16:06,098 I want my baby back! 337 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:09,368 - My baby! - Oh, my baby! 338 00:16:09,470 --> 00:16:12,004 - It's the mama! Ahh! - Oh! 339 00:16:12,106 --> 00:16:13,471 People must be warned. 340 00:16:13,574 --> 00:16:17,409 That child is totally, totally horrible! 341 00:16:17,511 --> 00:16:19,656 Well, he does have high spirits. 342 00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:21,814 He spit up all over the carpet! 343 00:16:21,916 --> 00:16:23,215 What toddler hasn't? 344 00:16:23,317 --> 00:16:26,018 - After eating the cat! - Eew. 345 00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:28,520 Take your hands off my son! 346 00:16:28,623 --> 00:16:32,190 I won't let that little pink monster back in my house! 347 00:16:32,293 --> 00:16:33,759 Well, I'm not giving him up. 348 00:16:33,861 --> 00:16:36,027 I'm nuts for the kid! We bonded! 349 00:16:36,130 --> 00:16:38,530 Whoa! Aah! Aah! 350 00:16:38,632 --> 00:16:40,666 Aah! Make a wish. 351 00:16:40,768 --> 00:16:42,735 Earl, help me! 352 00:16:42,837 --> 00:16:44,403 With you in a minute! 353 00:16:44,505 --> 00:16:46,004 Let go of my boy! 354 00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:49,507 My arms have a tendency to dislocate! 355 00:16:51,278 --> 00:16:54,012 Stop it! You're adults. 356 00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:56,114 Can't you settle this like adults? 357 00:16:56,216 --> 00:16:57,449 What, weapons? 358 00:16:57,551 --> 00:16:59,118 Costly litigation? 359 00:16:59,220 --> 00:17:01,220 No. Solomon the Great. 360 00:17:01,322 --> 00:17:04,556 - Oh! Solomon. - Yeah. 361 00:17:04,658 --> 00:17:06,158 The great judge. 362 00:17:06,260 --> 00:17:08,494 Yeah, he could settle this once and for all. 363 00:17:08,596 --> 00:17:11,430 He's the wisest dinosaur of them all. 364 00:17:11,532 --> 00:17:12,764 Capital idea. 365 00:17:14,868 --> 00:17:17,870 If he's so wise, how come he doesn't have a house? 366 00:17:17,972 --> 00:17:20,772 You seek an audience with Solomon the Great? 367 00:17:20,875 --> 00:17:22,307 Right, Your Wiseness. 368 00:17:22,409 --> 00:17:26,778 You ask that I decide the rightful parents of the pink child? 369 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:27,991 Yes, please. 370 00:17:28,015 --> 00:17:29,848 If I am to resolve this dispute, 371 00:17:29,950 --> 00:17:34,253 you must agree to abide by my decision without question. 372 00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:35,888 Mm-hm. 373 00:17:35,990 --> 00:17:37,089 And you? 374 00:17:37,191 --> 00:17:38,790 - Sure thing. - We do. 375 00:17:38,892 --> 00:17:41,393 You claim this pink baby as your own? 376 00:17:41,495 --> 00:17:43,395 Well, I do. 377 00:17:44,231 --> 00:17:46,398 You also claim this boy? 378 00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:48,400 With all my heart. 379 00:17:48,502 --> 00:17:50,536 Then, in my divine wisdom, 380 00:17:50,638 --> 00:17:53,739 there is only one equitable solution: 381 00:17:53,841 --> 00:17:56,275 To divide the child in two. 382 00:17:56,377 --> 00:17:57,787 - Huh? - Oh. 383 00:17:57,811 --> 00:17:59,756 Earl, we can't let him do this. 384 00:17:59,780 --> 00:18:01,046 Silence! 385 00:18:01,148 --> 00:18:04,283 Do not question the wisdom of Solomon the Great. 386 00:18:04,385 --> 00:18:08,353 My powers are beyond the comprehension of mere mortals. 387 00:18:08,455 --> 00:18:12,357 And now I shall perform the miracle of divine justice 388 00:18:12,459 --> 00:18:16,629 with the help of my lovely assistant Ramona! 389 00:18:18,999 --> 00:18:20,098 Oh! 390 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,167 Yes. 391 00:18:22,269 --> 00:18:24,436 Yeah! 392 00:18:26,173 --> 00:18:27,306 Ha! 393 00:18:27,408 --> 00:18:29,208 Nice box. 394 00:18:29,310 --> 00:18:31,276 Mr. Sinclair, if you would, 395 00:18:31,379 --> 00:18:33,646 bring me the pink baby. 396 00:18:33,748 --> 00:18:36,815 Oh, yeah! 397 00:18:40,087 --> 00:18:42,554 Now, place the child completely in the box, 398 00:18:42,656 --> 00:18:44,156 head there, feet here. 399 00:18:44,258 --> 00:18:46,792 Head there, feet there. Watch it. 400 00:18:49,163 --> 00:18:52,864 Mr. Sinclair, we've never met before, is that correct, sir? 401 00:18:52,966 --> 00:18:54,300 Yes, that is correct, sir. 402 00:18:54,402 --> 00:18:56,735 And no money has changed hands between us? 403 00:18:56,837 --> 00:18:58,069 None whatsoever. 404 00:18:58,172 --> 00:19:01,006 Well, then how do I have... your wallet? 405 00:19:01,108 --> 00:19:03,108 Wow! 406 00:19:03,210 --> 00:19:04,777 That's wonderful! 407 00:19:04,879 --> 00:19:06,022 Yay! Yay! 408 00:19:06,046 --> 00:19:08,848 Mr. Sinclair, as you can see, 409 00:19:08,950 --> 00:19:10,916 this is an ordinary box. 410 00:19:11,018 --> 00:19:14,152 There are no hidden panels, so secret compartments, 411 00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:16,489 just a simple, wooden box. 412 00:19:16,591 --> 00:19:18,490 Yes, it looks OK to me. 413 00:19:18,592 --> 00:19:20,671 You may step back now. Thank you. 414 00:19:20,695 --> 00:19:22,973 How about a hand for Mr. Sinclair? 415 00:19:22,997 --> 00:19:25,463 Oh, well, thank you. Thank you. 416 00:19:25,566 --> 00:19:26,632 And thank you. 417 00:19:26,734 --> 00:19:29,201 - Look. It's empty. - And now... 418 00:19:29,303 --> 00:19:31,403 for the moment of justice. 419 00:19:31,505 --> 00:19:32,571 Ramona! 420 00:19:32,673 --> 00:19:34,806 The blades! 421 00:19:34,908 --> 00:19:36,475 Blades! What? 422 00:19:38,846 --> 00:19:41,013 Yes. Hup! 423 00:19:44,418 --> 00:19:47,052 No flash photography, please. 424 00:19:47,154 --> 00:19:51,456 And now, one child shall become two! 425 00:19:51,558 --> 00:19:53,592 Unless somebody has a problem with that. 426 00:19:53,694 --> 00:19:55,594 - Stop! - Yes. That's it. 427 00:19:55,696 --> 00:19:59,064 I can't let you do this. I can't let you harm our child. 428 00:19:59,166 --> 00:20:03,101 I would rather let the other family take him than see him hurt. 429 00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:06,137 Oh, Frannie, how can we let him go? 430 00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:07,539 He's ours. 431 00:20:07,641 --> 00:20:09,486 You really want him back, Earl? 432 00:20:09,510 --> 00:20:11,343 I do. 433 00:20:11,445 --> 00:20:14,312 This is great! 434 00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:17,282 I am truly moved by your selflessness 435 00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:19,151 and love for this child. 436 00:20:20,521 --> 00:20:22,253 But too late! 437 00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:23,755 No! 438 00:20:24,458 --> 00:20:26,625 Again! 439 00:20:27,094 --> 00:20:28,994 Oh! 440 00:20:36,203 --> 00:20:37,902 There. 441 00:20:38,004 --> 00:20:40,104 Oh, don't look at me like that. 442 00:20:40,207 --> 00:20:43,408 I'm so, so sorry, little feet. 443 00:20:43,510 --> 00:20:45,977 I promise I'll make it up to you. 444 00:20:46,079 --> 00:20:48,980 We can't play baseball, but I can teach you soccer. 445 00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:49,981 Doh! 446 00:20:50,083 --> 00:20:51,483 Not the mama! 447 00:20:51,585 --> 00:20:55,254 Oh, nice kick! 448 00:20:55,356 --> 00:20:57,055 That's my half-boy. 449 00:20:57,157 --> 00:20:58,401 This stinks! 450 00:20:58,425 --> 00:21:00,470 What am I gonna do with half a kid? 451 00:21:00,494 --> 00:21:03,362 Come on, Glenda, let's grab the kid that's still in one piece 452 00:21:03,464 --> 00:21:05,742 before they start dicing him up too. 453 00:21:05,766 --> 00:21:08,533 Here you go, Sinclair. You can take my half. 454 00:21:08,636 --> 00:21:09,968 I'll take it. 455 00:21:10,070 --> 00:21:11,836 Good luck to you. 456 00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:14,440 Goodbye, erstwhile Mom and Dad. 457 00:21:14,542 --> 00:21:16,862 - Thank you for the kind hospitality. - Yeah. 458 00:21:16,910 --> 00:21:19,411 He's my son... or sons. 459 00:21:19,513 --> 00:21:21,813 I don't care if they cut him up into 1,000 pieces, 460 00:21:21,915 --> 00:21:23,115 I'd still take him home. 461 00:21:23,217 --> 00:21:25,583 Of course, I'd have to make a few more trips, but... 462 00:21:25,685 --> 00:21:26,985 I'd still do it. 463 00:21:27,087 --> 00:21:29,721 Now, those were the words that I was waiting to hear, 464 00:21:29,824 --> 00:21:33,892 that you love and accept the child unconditionally. 465 00:21:33,995 --> 00:21:36,394 That is the sign of a true parent. 466 00:21:36,497 --> 00:21:41,100 And so you shall have your child back, complete and whole. 467 00:21:41,201 --> 00:21:42,801 Ramona! 468 00:21:45,672 --> 00:21:48,440 Ah. Ah. Ah. 469 00:21:52,913 --> 00:21:56,315 Ow! Again! 470 00:21:58,185 --> 00:22:02,287 Ah. Ta-da! 471 00:22:02,389 --> 00:22:04,456 My baby! 472 00:22:04,558 --> 00:22:05,569 It's the mama! 473 00:22:05,593 --> 00:22:07,092 Great to have you back, kid! 474 00:22:07,194 --> 00:22:10,862 You know, Fran, there's only one thing that gnaws at me. 475 00:22:10,964 --> 00:22:13,498 Science has told us that he's not really our child. 476 00:22:13,601 --> 00:22:15,767 I only wish there was some way I could change that. 477 00:22:15,869 --> 00:22:18,437 Ahh, a request from the audience. 478 00:22:18,539 --> 00:22:21,473 Ramona! The grand finale! 479 00:22:21,575 --> 00:22:23,441 Oh! 480 00:22:23,543 --> 00:22:25,310 There was a mix-up at the lab. 481 00:22:25,413 --> 00:22:27,846 My findings are entirely incorrect. 482 00:22:27,948 --> 00:22:31,350 I apologize completely. 483 00:22:31,452 --> 00:22:32,317 Yay! 484 00:22:32,419 --> 00:22:34,619 - That takes care of that. - Yeah! 485 00:22:34,721 --> 00:22:36,721 Well, you've been a terrific audience. 486 00:22:36,823 --> 00:22:39,024 That's our show. Thank you and good night. 487 00:22:39,126 --> 00:22:43,695 Hey, Fran, isn't it wonderful that we live in such a modern age? 488 00:22:43,798 --> 00:22:47,433 Oh, yes.